Staying up late when you have to wake up at 4 in the morning is not a bright idea. Drinking caffeine close to bedtime when you should go to bed early, not very helpful. Blogging when you have the above factors in tote... hmmm.

As I have entered my MSW I have learned so much about myself. So much about the girl that I have been, confronting the person that I am now, and hopeful of the woman that I want to be. It is interesting that as you are placed under pressure you are refined, and it can be painful. I have been placed under an emotional vice, and it is so good for me. I am discovering who I truly am under this personally perceive, immense pressure and I am not sure what I feel about it. I pray that I do not resign myself to discouragement but rather let this be a catalyst to healthy reformation.

Blogs can be so therapeutic. I believe this is why so many people dedicate their time to them. This living, breathing document of ones life has so many purposes and dual intentions. Not only can hearts be expressed but with the reality of its availability comes accountability, affirmation, and a satiation for attention. Most media functions on these levels for us. It can either be a blessing or a detriment. Empowering, over-empowering, or underwhelming and discouraging. All of this to say that regurgitating my feelings can be helpful. Verbalizing my dreams can be invigorating.

So I will simplify. Turn this into a compost of my thoughts to cultivate something better. Just let my feelings breathe in the open-air setting of endless data.

Unfortunate

It is quite unfortunate that I started this with such vigor... and then...

Nothing.

Oye, here we go again!

I pray for consistency. Not only in accountability for this journal, but consistency in my pursuit of the Lord and His healing embrace. This is a conquest in the Lord's name rather than a victory of will through my own feeble attempts.

A quote from a book that I am currently reading captures the essence of how I feel about my commitment to the crucial aspects of life: shallow desires produce shallow efforts.

I want neither

My efforts in life should be a means to glorify Jesus. ALL of my efforts. ALL of the things I choose to associate myself with. Not some. Not the "church related." EVERYTHING should be done to glorify our Father.

So here is to giving EVERYTHING

Here's to victory in CHRIST

Here's to denial of the lies that BIND US

Here's to using God-breathed language in communicating the freedom of our ABBA FATHER

Here's to bringing the kingdom of HEAVEN to Earth

Here's to ushering in our Lord's return by loving on His people in TANGIBLE WAYS

Here's to addressing personal growth and rectification to birth new/REAL LIFE IN HIM

I heard this song (The Desert Song) a while ago. It awakened something inside of me.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am conqueror and co- heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life in every season
You are still God,
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I received I will sow

I am in a perceived desert staring in thirst at a mirage of water. The victory I have in Christ emphatically declares that I am, in reality, swimming in His deep, deep grace.

a fine mess.

Upon a whim. I begin this upon a whim. This could be perceived as a significant waste of time, but I beg to differ. Processing my emotions will be therapeutic. A healing process. As I present my thoughts, goals, trials and triumphs I hope to find just who I am again. I am not who I once was... good... life is a perpetual odyssey. I don't want to be complacent or stagnant anymore. I want to move forward with Christ, and enjoy (as well as appreciate) the journey along the way.

The past two years have been a silent cacophony of emotions. I am blessed beyond belief to have married the most incredible man that I have ever known. I have been crushed by losing him. But God's grace, his sweet renewing mercy has sustained me. He has provided me with the most wonderful support in Mitch's family and in mine (as well as incredible friends that I am infinitely thankful for). I know that Jesus will not waste a single drop of the experiences that I have had. Positive or perceptually negative - they all carry potential to glorify and bless the Kingdom of Christ.

This lovely blog may be boring by most people's entertainment standards but I hope to be able to document the positive life choices and everyday joys to show how good and faithful our Abba Father is!

Some of my goals that I am holding myself accountable to chronicle include: training for my marathon in June (eeek!), cooking through a cookbook (Julie and Julia style, baby!), pursuing art and photography, intentionality in learning new things (ex: crocheting, climbing, languages, etc.), serving our Savior, retreat recaps (I will be taking at least one mini retreat a month for emotional and spiritual health), and deepening my knowledge, love and dedication to Jesus.

So here we go... Let's see what God has in store. I hope that as you read this you are encouraged to passionately pursue Christ as well as love the person that you are NOW!